A Perfect World

I had a bit of one of those ahha moments yesterday when it comes to finding joy and happiness. A friend of mine and I took the kids to the park~ sitting there watching the kids play was so cool. Talking with my friend, we were discussing the kids and some of the things that have gone on in my life this year. My friend asked me "In a perfect world, how would things look for you right now?"

Perfect? I don't know...

It came to me at that moment that even though things are far from perfect in my life, and there are things that I would like to change, I am actually content with things as they are at this moment. My little apartment, although small, is home. It is comfortable. We have enough money for all our needs. We have good friends and family around us. Really life is comfortable right now.

As we sat there talking, I told her that while I have a list of things that I would like to have in my life, I know that I don't have to have them. It was pretty amazing to sit there and realize that I really am ok with things as they are in my life right at this moment.

As we talked I told her if there were things I could change, in the "perfect" world...

Either insurance or financial resources to be able to afford to have my teeth fixed. I like smiling and smile a lot. Right now because of my teeth I am not comfortable with smiling. SO in a perfect world, yes I would like to be able to get my smile fixed.

A car... the perfect car would be my 1967 Jag :) But I would be content with any vehicle that would be in good running shape and looks ok. Doesn't have to be perfect. Just decent. I had the chance to own a brand new, never owned by anyone else car. While I enjoyed the car, it isn't any "better" than a decent used car. My Olds, I had it for almost 6 years. It never cost me anything except maintance. Nothing major ever went wrong with it. It was good reliable transportation that was good for my family. Being able to get another vehicle like that would be "perfect" because it isn't the make or model or age of the car that matters but that it is a vehicle that stands by my family.

A house... this is intersting. Yeah a perfect world would be a nice little house with a yard. I thought about the "perfect" house. I use to know what my perfect house would look like. But I am discovering that what I once thought was perfect... well it isn't as important anymore. I have a "dream" home that I would like someday. But I know that it isn't the house that will make me happy. It is who is in the house that makes it perfect.

As we went on talking, she asked me about the stuff going on with my older daughter. What would be "perfect" with her. This was actually easy for me. I am a Mom, I would love to have my daughter living with me. BUT... first and foremost I want my daughter to be safe, healthy, and happy. How that would look for her? I don't know... So I am going to trust in GOD that the PERFECT solution to her situation will be given and that it will all turn out for to have the perfect life for her.

And finally she asked about a relationship~ a romantic type relationship. One of the things that this friend tells me on a fairly regular basis is that a relationship should be a compliment to your life. While relationships may have moments of stress and angst, the majority of the relationship should be one that enhances your life and brings you joy and happiness.

So what would be the perfect relationship?

Again, I am not sure. There are a few things that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt~ there needs to be communication, there needs to be mutual respect, there needs to be companionship. I look back on my previous relationships and I know better what I don't want than what I want. This is something that has me sort of thinking.

Right now, I am not really interested in a relationship. I had the "date"... it was ok... but uncomfortable. I realized that I am just not at a point in my life where I want a relationship. I have some work to do on myself before I am ready to move on to a new relationship.

I am looking at the relationship I had with my son's father. So many issues... I can see, looking back, that I made so many mistakes. I cannot change the past, I cannot change what devistation this man caused to my family. I can take what I have learned from it though and work towards a healing and future that is free from the sick behavior that I demonstrated in trying to make that relationship work.

Looking back there is nothing good about that relationship. There was nothing healthy in that relationship. I cannot fathom where I was mentally at that time to not extracate myself and get out of it sooner. The only thing that was good from that whole thing is my baby boy.

He is such an amazing little guy. So happy and easy going and just a total joy in my life. So even though the realtionship was aweful, even though this man caused so much heartache and mental torment for me and my family, and all that, I got this little boy.

Today, even with all the negative things that have happened in my life this year, I am finding happiness. It is REAL happiness. Not giddy excited giggle happiness. Just a pleasant warm happiness that tells me things, although not perfect, life is good enough to be happy with.