OH MY GOODNESS!!!! I had a TOTALLY amazing moment of insight and clarity that has been lacking in my life. As those who have followed my rather tumultuous relationship between my sons father and I can attest, I have bounced back and forth between loving and adoring him to describing his actions and behaviors in less than a positive light.

As I was doing my morning meditation it occured to me~ that moment of KNOWLEDGE came to me~ the reason I have not been able to detach myself from him and what I may be able to do in order to know peace about the finality of the ending of any romantic relationship between the two of us.

As I was meditating, I heard "Where your thoughts go is where you go". I have had such a difficult time releasing this man from my life because he is so often on my mind. He is what I am thinking of. I find myself thinking about how it felt to be in his arms, thinking about the things he said to me, thinking about the love I feel for him. He is the focus of my thoughts most of the time. I realized that if, as the bible says, I can take my thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) ~ stop the thinking about him, perhaps I will finally be able to move forward with life and let go of whatever fragile threads of hope that I have hung onto and that made acceptance of things as they are instead of what I would hope them to be so hard for me.

I can see where I have self inflicted this torment on myself. Rereading old emails and letters, going over what ifs in my mind, wondering if he ever meant any of the things he said to me, wanting so bad to believe words when actions scream otherwise. I give the knife to my mind to cut my heart each time I allow my thoughts to even think about anything to do with him. I know that not thinking about him is going to be impossible~ we have this little boy together, a little boy who looks so much like his daddy. We have to have regular contact because of our son.

However as I sat in meditation, I got a glimmer of things I can do to make a difference in my thoughts. I recognized that just stuffing the emotions down that come with the thoughts is only going to perpetuate not being able to let go of the thoughts. But what if... what if as I find myself thinking about him and I start experiencing the painful emotions that go with it, what if I go ahead and change the thought patterns.

Normally, if I am holding my son and he gets one of his daddy's looks on his face, I feel a pang of loss, this triggers the thinking of him and the thoughts tend to spiral from there. So today I decided, next time I look at my baby and I see that look and get that pang, I am changing the way I react to it. Certainly it is ok to feel pain at the loss. It is a very real loss in my life, as real and as final as the death of my mother. So if I acknowledge, "Yes it hurts and I miss him" and then like I do with the death of my mom, just say a brief prayer for God to be with me.

I only have to look to the Bible to know that as long as I turn to God in prayer, I can be delivered from this.

James 5:13 Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray.
Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Ephesians 6:18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus
John 14:13-14 And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it

So I turn to my GOD, knowing that HE is greater than any problem I might have and God is faithful; He will not let me be tempted beyond what I can bear. But when I am tempted, He will also provide a way out so that I can stand up under it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

I do know that God is control, I can make whatever plans I want, but ultimately it is God's Will that I must submit to. I know in my heart that the relationship between my son's father and I is not appropriate. It violates the word of God. Although I may not understand the why of the depths of my emotions for this man are in conflict with God's word, I trust that God is in control and will make my path known to me and give me the signs I need to know what His will is for my life, James 1:5 says "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him".

Taking my thoughts captive, trusting in God's Will for my life and turning to God in prayer are my answers to let go of this relationship and head on to the path the God has for me.